one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
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