you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My vagina is officially offended.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
