we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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