My sheets look like a crime scene.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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