no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
