I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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