I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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