I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
