i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
