I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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