The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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