i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
