you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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