I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
