Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Randomize
