im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
