i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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