my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
