he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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