i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
