dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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