I can text with my tongue
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
