The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
