Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
