Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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