just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
