Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm always down for nudity.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
