it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
