I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
