whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Are we still banned from the library?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
