Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
