its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
