my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
