people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
