So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Nobody cheats on THIS.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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