I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
