its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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