he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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