You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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