My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
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I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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