Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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