hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
