I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
