So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
