Christians are straight up FREAKS
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I touched a dick in church today
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
