Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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