I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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