So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
