if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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