Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
