I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
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This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
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Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
MIDGETS
????
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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