I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
