I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
