Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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