You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
